Venturing out of the safe zone

Okay, to cover all the basics: Yes, I am eating. I am sleeping- sort of. I’m tired but I have trouble settling down to sleep. I wake up during the night and watch episodes of “The Good Place”, then repeat the cycle until about 6am. I’ve been an early riser for years and so is the dog so. My comfort zone is upstairs in my bedroom surrounded with pillows, my iPad, TV remotes and the dog. I’ve built a nest of my comforter and pillows.

Today I went to church. It was a kind of test run out of the comfort zone. My faith has given me solid ground and peace throughout the whole turmoil of K.’s illness and pain. I need the music, and prayer and my community. I can’t let grief steal my connection to God, what would I have left? Still it was a conscious effort to peel myself out of bed and go.

When I leave the front door everything feels heavy. I’m in slow motion moving through syrup and it’s work to move. Everything around me is speeding by. People walking seem to be on a mission to get somewhere. The cars are speeding by. Everything out here is moving and alive. Even the color of the grass and trees seems too loud.

I only talked to one person who has known K. for the duration of the time we’ve been here.  He was surprised and shaken by the news. Everyone else I smile at and nod. If they greet me with “Hi, how are you?” I say “Fine, thank you”. I don’t even remember what the sermon was about just that the music was both comforting and gut wrenching at the same time.

After service I slipped out the side door and went to Walmart to get waffles and dog food.  Walmart is a safe place to be. It’s busy, noisy and no knows me. Being invisible in plain sight is also comfortable.

Leila sharing my “nest”

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