My Broken Heart

Some time ago I came across a show TV about Kintsugi. Kintsugi is a Japanese art form that is traditionally used to repair broken ceramics, or pottery with gold or silver, and lacquer. The broken items are mended in such a way that the cracks still show, but they have now become a beautiful part of the whole.

This is a metaphor for my life now.  My heart has been truly broken by the loss of my husband. Prior to this I kept my broken and chipped areas pretty well under control.  I had to.  I was the wife, the mother, the primary income for our household. I was the one who was supposed to be strong and keep it all together.  There is nothing like to loss of a spouse, parent, child, sibling, best friend to fully break us. Regardless of what else we have going on, just knowing that our special person is still alive and in the world can keep us going.  When they are gone, it is like we have lost the gravity to tell us which direction is up and the oxygen in the air.  Time stops, our heart stops beating  for a moment and we float aimlessly in space.

When gravity comes back we come crashing down and our hearts shatter. There is no magic glue to put us back together, and contrary to conventional wisdom, time does not heal all wounds.  I have realized that all my efforts to keep up, hold together, present a good face have been time and energy wasted. Sure, I had responsibilities and you can’t come apart at the seams all day, but this insistence on being he strong woman left me very alone and exhausted.  Instead I could have been connected more to friends and family. I could have shared life with them and lessened my anxiety and pain, and perhaps helped them do the same.

Now I am.  That’s it.  Cracks, brokenness, shiny beautiful parts all out there.  All of it makes me who I am and like the Velveteen Rabbit, I have become real.

I now wear a beautiful Kintsugi necklace that I got from A Kintsugi Life. It is made of purple dragon veins agate. It is a tangible sign of my new life and it makes me feel good to wear it.

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