I was pondering the concept of gravity today because I was feeling like I am having to try to break free of the force of some psychological gravity that wants to keep me tied to my comfort zone. Gravity is the force that draws all things with mass towards one another (like my butt being drawn to the couch). What is it about grief that makes it so weighty? I physically feel heavy and slow (beyond the 20lbs I have gained in the last several months). I know what I need to do, I know what I should do but have difficulty making it happen when I feel this way.
What I need to find is the magic formula for my escape velocity. Escape velocity is the lowest speed at which a body must have to escape the gravitational attraction of a planet or object. What I am trying to escape is less tangible than a planet. In fact, I am not really sure what it is I am trying to escape. I can’t escape from the past, it has many good memories, and what I have gone through in the past has made me what I am today. I am not sure I want to escape from the varying emotions I am having. They are a sign that I had a great love and now a great loss. I think it is just this inertia that I want to get away from. In Grief Share they say that when you don’t know what to do, just do the next thing. That brings it down to a level I can manage. When I can’t think about the week, or even the day, I can think about the next thing.
Thinking will only get me so far, it sometimes isn’t enough to make me do. So what is it that makes me reach my escape velocity and get off the couch, do yoga, call a friend, go to the pool, etc.? Sometimes it is the voice of my mother. She always said, “if you don’t feel well, getup, take a shower, get dressed and eat something”. Sometimes it’s responsibility, there are certain things that have to be done, like go to work, get groceries, put gas in the car, etc. I’m a great one for taking care of all that and everyone else, I always have been. I can sometimes imagine I will feel better after doing something, like taking a walk or meditating and that will be enough to get me going.
Today is a heavy gravity day. It was a busy week and I am tired. I did manage to get out to get groceries and briefly walk the dog. I also read a book for awhile, and took a nap (which is something I don’t often do), so all in all, I think I did okay.