I had an insight today. Mornings have been tiring and emotionally draining lately, and that makes it difficult for me to get going at work. When I got to work there were some problems that needed to be worked out. I was both angry and complacent. I knew that the way the schedule was playing out wasn’t right for the team, or the patients but I was tired and frustrated and said “let the chips fall where they may”. At that point, I realized, that at work getting frustrated and angry has actually been very functional for me. It gets me fueled up, and gives me the energy to do what I need to. It’s not a good long-term solution to anything, but it works for now.
I keep coming back to the issue of who am I now. I am feeling and thinking very differently than I used to. I am often irritated, annoyed, or angry. I used to think that I should do what ever I can to help make a situation better, whether or not it was my job to do so. Now, I frequently feel complacent, or that other people need to take care of their own business. I feel entitled to be upset or angry at people or situations.
Recently, at work, I ran to the storeroom to get something we needed for a procedure. I tried the code three times and couldn’t get the door open, at which point I actually kicked the door, and then looked sheepishly around to see if anyone had witnessed my bad behavior. In the scheme of things it was a frustrated half-assed kind of kick, and no damage was done to the door, or my toes. Amazingly, the door opened on my fourth try using the very same code I used the first three times, and I retrieved the item I needed. I have never been the kind of person to throw things, punch walls or otherwise act out physically, so what’s up with that? Maybe allowing anger to fuel my energy isn’t even a good short-term strategy.
This is getting tiring, because now I have to embark upon the never-ending excavation to find the meaning behind the feeling and the behavior. Right now I’d rather just say that the kick to the door was the missing part of the door code that day.