Have you ever said “boy I wish I could use a can opener on his head and see what is inside?” I have often thought that about my son, because I find him fascinating and engaging when I can get him talking about the things that he knows and enjoys. I think that if we could actually do that, or if we had flip-top heads we could open and peer in, but it really wouldn’t be of that much value. In my theoretical world I could see what you were thinking but it would be little more than entertainment. It would still be in your head (or mine) but nothing would be changed. There would be no interaction with it.
I am starting in the middle of a thought. Recently I had a vision of myself being picked up by the hand God, turned upside-down and shaken like a salt shaker. All kind of things were falling out of my head on to the floor, and what a mess it made! That in essence has been my experience over the better part of last year.
If you’ve been following along you may remember me saying that I was angry a lot of the time. I was very angry, and I had never been an angry person before. I have always been a private person, and here I am baring my soul on the internet. Not to mention the sadness, loss of identity, forgetfulness, etc.
In my case, had my husband not died and thrown me into a crisis, I would have stayed in the same place I had been. Not much growth, in the same relationship patterns, just trying to keep it all together. Maintaining a pretty front while ignoring all the unseen things that were going on in my heart and mind. I had become a cliché, pick one: you are only as sick as your secrets, no man is an island unto himself, insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
So instead of the can opener treatment of just peeking inside and flipping the lid shut again, I got the full salt shaker treatment. Once you’re shaken and it’s all out on the table you can’t just shove it back in. You have to deal with it. You can see the fallout, you have to touch it to clean it up. You can’t just leave it there because salt will leave a mark.
I am a different person than I was a year ago. I don’t have a lot of stress. I don’t bottle up my emotions to deal with at a later time. I am comfortable with who I am. I only wish my husband could have been with me to go on this journey of discovery and learning.