Let’s Hear it for the Girls!

My job as a nurse is physically, mentally and emotionally challenging at times. This week my emotions have run the gamut from laughter as a group of us were huffing and puffing in our new N-100 masks and hearing my coworkers say “Luke, I am your father”… to near tears trying to help my patient position his arm in a way that would not hurt during his biopsy. So it is no wonder that today I was having one of those days where I really felt like I needed some replenishing and I was wishing that I had someone here to take care of me for a little bit.

Optimist that I am, I only moped around for a little bit while I tidied up the kitchen and started an oversized load of laundry. I decided to have a little breakfast (oatmeal with chia and flax seed and some extra tasty, not so healthy brown sugar) and then go get myself a pedicure. I am now sporting pretty metallic blue toes that make me feel happy every time I look at them.

My next activity for renewing and replenishing myself I knew would be somewhat challenging initially, but the long term benefits could be amazing. I decided to go… duh-duh-duh… Bra Shopping! It was an event like none other, but I found that I now have the definitive guide to finding the perfectly sized bra and I knew I had to share it with you immediately.  If you follow the steps meticulously I know that you will have the same success that I did.

Jill’s Guide to Finding Your Perfect Bra

1. Measure around your ribcage where your bra band sits. Write this number down.
2. Wearing a bra, measure around the fullest part of your bustline. Write this number down too.
3. Subtract the band number from the bustline number and write down that number.
4. Each inch difference means one cup size. So if you are a 34 band and a 37 bustline (3 inch difference) you will be a C cup, you don’t have a few pounds to lose, have never had children, and are the envy of countless women. Then there are the rest of us.
5. Go to the nearest store that sells bras, and discover that they are not allowing use of the changing rooms due to COVID-19 and you will not be able to try anything on.
6. Leave this store and search Google for another place to shop and call them to confirm they will allow you to try on the merchandise before you drive over there.
7. At the next location look for bras in the size you previously calculated and go try them on. It will become clear at this point that whoever created this sizing formula was an idiot, and the bras you now have in hand will only fit someone with the approximate size and shape of a broomstick with two watermelons taped on.
8. Look up another bra sizing formula on the internet and then add 2 or 3 or 5 inches to the band measurement, depending on which formula you read, then do the subtracting thing again and go find some other bras.
9. Try these bras on, and realize that the bra manufacturers are also idiots because the cup sizes and band sizes are not uniform or consistent even in the same brand.
10. Go out and find more bras and stare directly back at the sales staff who are looking at you like you are either nuts or trying to shoplift. You will be triumphant!
11. Now it really gets technical. When you put the bra on, adjust the band on the last or middle hooks. Loosen or tighten the straps so they stay put but aren’t pinching.
12. Ask yourself the following questions: Does it feel like I am being strangled by a python and am I having murderous thoughts about whoever invented these torture chambers? Yes? Band is too small, go up a size.
13. As for the cups: Do they runneth over?  Too small. Do they fall away from your cleavage? You can either decide to go down a size or take your socks off and stuff one in each cup and call it a day.
14. Repeat steps 11-13 until you find THE ONE.
15. When you have found it, go back on the sales floor and grab one of each color, maybe two, because the manufacturer will discontinue this model in the next six months, and check out.
16. If all else fails and you don’t stock up on bras like you were toilet paper back in March, then you can just refer to this guide and do it again the next time you need new bras.

This really did work for me, and I now have bras that fit and will make my days to come so much more comfortable. I am, however, feeling more tired than I had hoped to be at this point so I will be taking it easy for the rest of the weekend.