Sitting with Myself

I am currently suffering from an overdose of irony. It is ironic that my late husband suffered from chronic back problems, without a clear diagnosis of how they started and why they persisted. Now here I am with a back problem brought on by something as frivolous as jumping rope, clearly seen on both x ray and MRI.

Aside from the utter shock of having essentially a ‘broken back’ my first concern was for my son. I don’t want him to have to carry the burden of another incapacitated parent. It’s not fair that it happened the first time, or that he has already lost one parent. I know life is not fair, but sometimes as a parent you can soften that blow for your children.

Another irony is that I have a grave fear of having to take care of someone else who is sick, in pain, or incapacitate. I have worked so hard to recover my physical, mental and spiritual health that I worry about losing all that to the needs of someone else. Now, to some degree I have become the very thing that I feared. I often forget that I have learned how to know what I need and ask for it. I have learned to say ‘no’ when it suits my needs, or how to say ‘yes’ and even step out of my comfort zone.

I carried the weight for a long time of managing the household, doctors appointments, bringing in the income, often times for parenting when my husband wasn’t able. It is symbolically the straw that broke this camel’s back. Ironic, don’t you think? The symbolic becoming manifest.

My toe is now nicely healed. My elbow is coming along. During my morning walks with my dog I exercise my elbow. I bend and stretch my arm. Palm up, out and in. Palm down, out and in. Royal wave, arm circles, open and close my hand. My neighbors don’t know if I am waving at them, doing some version of the “Father Abraham had Seven Sons” songs or just plain nuts.

Other than that my activity is very limited. According to the chiropractor “no exercise, no lifting, don’t fall, don’t step off a curb hard….”. Interesting that he didn’t mention sneezing which makes my back feel like I have just shot my vertebrae out my back and across the across the room.

I am in a situation when I have ben forced to rest. I have to ask for help. To take a step back an observe. I think this is what I need. I just wish it could have happened without the broken bones

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