I was an ordinary woman. A wife, and mother. I work as a nurse. I like to read, walk, sing, go to church, and do crafts. My plain, ordinary world fell into the rabbit hole on March 9, 2019 when my husband of 22 years died suddenly. He’d suffered with chronic pain for 10 years and he had Bipolar Disorder. The pain had taken from him his ability to do many things, and of the things he was able to do he was never out of pain. I really thought I knew what it would be like to be a widow. I’d lost my grandparents, in-laws and father, and I didn’t think it would be that different. The difference apparently is me, or something in me that is unwilling to meet the societal norm of going through the so called stages of grief and moving on.

As the weeks go on it has become clear that I am not ever going to get the old me back. I know I can’t be the only one who has gone through this. If I am essentially changed, and my life will never be the same, then sharing may not only help me discover who I am now, but help others who are feeling like they don’t know how to navigate this new life either. I will journey through and with this grief. I will continue on until I know what is beyond this cloud of uncertainty and confusion.